Ever gone on shopping with a lady?

Here is my experience.

It was on a Tuesday.
A day of the week I would never forget.

Her name was Deena,
And she was dear to my heart like a sister I never had.

University students, we were.
In total emptiness, my kitchen was.
For that period was the ending of the month when God had not yet picked my call.

Deena became my angel then.
Cooking sumptuous meals that could turn the devil's heart back towards God.
Sumptuous meals that made me say "YES" to her question, that day, without actually hearing the question.

"Okay. Let me get prepared"
These words, she said with a gleeful smile registered on her face.

"Get prepared for what nne?"
This question I asked in surprise.
For I had finished eating and was clear headed at the moment. 

"The market na. The one you just accepted to go with me"
Deena replied.

The term 'shocked' could only encapsulate my state of mind at that moment.
For I had heard tales of such 'shopping experiences'.
Tales, i most definitely did not want to experience.

I had to go.
For he who pays the piper dictates the tune.
And he who bites the hand he just ate from is not worthy to be called a human being.

Such a person is a nasty, rabid dog donning a human skin.

"Okay. But you will be fast in preparation o"
I told her
Words which, I later realized, were empty sounds to a woman's ear.

"Give me five minutes"
She said as she went out of the room to start preparations.

One hour ten minutes later,
She was done.
A time period, within which she changed her shoes ten times.
Citing the most baffling excuses for changing them.

Within ten minutes, we were off to the market.

"I just want to get about five things and we will be back"
She said
Sounds that ushered joy to my heart.
For I needed to come back early.
A need that stemmed from my constant reading habits.
For I had the keys to the faculty like Baba Hilary said.

We reached the market within thirty minutes.
First stop being the store of the fish seller.

"Mama, how much for this fish"
Deena asked while sampling its texture.

"Na One thousand five hundred naira (#1,500), my pikin"
The woman replied,
All the while flashing a smile with her teeth set that had three occupants missing.

"Aah haaa. For wetin. Abeg na two hundred and fifty naira (#250) I go pay"
Words Deena said that shocked even me.

They kept on haggling.
Bartering the price back and forth for ten minutes.

"Na four hundred naira (#400) I go pay last"
Deena said with an air of finality.

"Oya bring am come. Na just sell I sell am for you o"
The fish seller uttered.
Her flashing smile gone.
Replaced by a savage look of someone ready to commit murder.

With increased steps,
I tried to nudge Deena away from the woman.

An action that got no reaction.
In slow graceful steps she kept moving.
Not a bit fazed with my increased steps.
All the while turning left and right,
Sampling everything that her eye could see.

Apparently this was normal to all women.
Having minds that can perform a million tasks at the same time.

Apparently, this is foreign to me.
Having a mind that is fully fixated on a thing at every time.

To the shoe store, we went.
A visit that lasted approximately two hours.

"Bring that one make I see am"
Words Deena kept repeating.
Constantly rejecting every one for the silliest reasons.

"The hook nor fine"
Deena said.

(As if anyone will stop and notice the hook)
My mind uttered back.

"The colour nor gold reach"
Words she used, in reference to a gold coloured high heel.

"But, Deena, it is golden color na"
 An observation, i uttered in growing frustration.

"No oo. Look at this left side eh, You will see it is beginning to turn silver"
She uttered back while she turned her attention to another shoe.
"Bring that one"
Her hands pointing to a deep blue color high heel.

"Kosi, how do you see it? Is it fine?"
A question she asked with a hopeful look on her face.

"It is fine"
I replied.
Praying my demunor of desperation did not make my assessment sound desperate.

"Look at the side latch, is it silver enough?"
She asked.
All the while tilting her head right wards and looking down at the shoes.

"Yes. It is fine"
I replied.

"Hmmmm. I do not like it. It is too Blue"
Words she said while pointing at another shoe and indicating it to be brought.

I had carried my sacrifice beyond the crossroads.
I had tried to eat rice with beans cake.
I had offered a white man eba to eat.

Hunger did this to me.
That same feeling that left Esau senseless and took away his birthright.
That same hunger (for drink) that left Orunmila senseless in the palm wine store of heaven and derailed him from completing the creation process Olorun sent him (Yoruba Mythology Creation story).

On and on, Deena continued.
Rejecting 'this' and 'that' until she finally chose two.
Now was the time for pricing.

"Auntie. This silver one na three thousand five hundred naira (#3,500) and the second one na two thousand five hundred naira (#2,500). All together na six thousand naira (#6,000)"
These words the seller uttered while she prepared to package the shoes.

"Hehehehehe. That one na story oo. Six thousand ke!!. Abeg talk better jare"
Deena offered in return

"Oya Auntie. Take am for Five thousand seven hundred naira (#5,700). Make I use am take make you customer"
The sales lady replied.

"Bia. Na three thousand naira (#3,000) I get o. I go take the silver for two thousand (#2,000) (pronouncing it taaazinn). And the second one one thousand naira (#1,000):
Deena said in pinpoint precision voice that showed no hints of nervousness.

On and on, they haggled.
A continuous process that fanned the embers of my anger.

Who could blame me?
Apparently I had been standing closely to three hours and my feet was already getting sore.
Apparently I was not an usher in church nor had aspirations to become one in the near future.
Apparently the food I had eaten at her place had dissipated and I was now very hungry.
The above fact giving credence to the popular saying, 'A hungry man is and angry man'

"Aunty take am for three thousand eight hundred naira (#3,800) last"
 Words, the sales lady spoke.
Obviously seething with anger.
 As the tenor of her voice had increased by a treble boost.

"Three thousand five hundred (#3,500)*
Deena said.
All the while squinting her eyes at a black shoe located at the topmost corner.
"How much for that one?"
She asked.

Auntie that one na correct Prada o. Direct from China. Na five thousand five hundred naira(#5,500)."
 The sales lady replied.
Handing the shoes over to Deena.

"Prada from China kwa. Na Italy Prada dey come from nah. Abi na the China Aba wey dey Abia state you dey talk about?"
Deena said.
All the time feeling the texture of the shoe.

"No oo Auntie. Na Real China. Oya bring the three thousand five hundred naira and four thousand five hundred naira last for the China own"
The store lady said.

Deena paid for the two shoes.
Leaving the store,
She led me directly into the clothing store nearby.

A tale, I would most definitely relate in further articles.

okonta kosi